this time

I've just watched a relationship that I truly believed was so caring and resilient, crumble in front of my eyes. There was nothing I could do to change the way she felt, I couldn't change the choice she made. I gave it all I could, but this time it wasn't enough. It was just over, just like that. Yet knowing these blunt facts, I’m still haunted by the ‘what if’s?’ that expand my doubts. 

Learning to block out these dangerously over-whelming thoughts and replace them with the acceptance that I’m never getting back what I had, hasn't exactly been the healthiest or easiest journey. Nor has it helped lessened how absolutely drained and heart broken I am after this.

Good people leave, it happens. I’m learning that It’s not to make us weak but to instead strengthen us. These people walk out on us to allow better people to take their place. To fill in all the gaps the previous person wasn't able to fill.

I don’t know how long it’ll take or how many hit and misses I’ll experience before this better person makes herself apparent, but I do know that when she does I’ll be happy that I made the choice to endure this pain they call ‘moving on’ rather than holding onto the fake hope you led me to believe that maybe one day we’ll pick up where we left off. 

February 2012 I had my first thoughts. 
March 2013    I know how right I was.

This was , too good to be true.

And I’m glad.

okay

okay, so I really really need time to take care of this little blog. hahaha

since I busy with task, project, and exam, I think I can't put my hands in the keyboard to write something here. well, I still write here but not now until 20 April I guess.

you can see my quick update on my Path, Instagram, and of course, Twitter! so, see ya!

"I guess we are not perfect individually.

But then again. these imperfections are

me and you. I love that. and I love You."

refrain

If you could go back in time and take back everything you said, would you? Would you refrain from our first words? Would you take back our first I love you? Would you take back all of the compliments? Would you ignore me when I pleaded for your help? Would you take back the memories? Most importantly, would you take back goodbye?

Frustrated because I can't tell if it's real. Mad because I don't know how you feel. Upset because we can't make it right. Sad because I ned you day and night. Angry because you won't take my hand. Aggravated because you don't understand. Disappointed because we can't be together, but I'll still love you forever. Did you ever fall in love with someone, and knew they didn't care? Did you ever feel like crying, but knew it wouldn't get you anywhere? Did you ever look into their eyes and say a little prayer? Did you ever look into their heart and find that you weren't there? You'll cry out in misery and almost go insane cause there's nothing in this world that causes so much pain. If I could choose between love and death I'd rather die. Love is great, but it hurts so much, the rate we pay is so high. So when I say "don't fall in love, you'll be hurt before it's through" believe me, I should know, I fell in love with you.

i'm dreaming

HEY!

hey! I'm gonna post again ... but ... wait a minute...

wait for me and stay tune!

but I do....

I’ve decided I’m going to concentrate on myself. What I want, what I need, what I feel. I need to figure out my own direction in life, my real interests, and what makes me happy. I can’t live off what I think I need, especially if I’m going to look for it from other people. I need a sense of my own self-satisfaction. I need confidence in myself. I like art, I like music, and I like literature. There are no rules, only what I feel. I’m not going to freak out over friends or girl, not worry every second about not having one, nor am I going to read in to everything they say or do. I do not need a girlfriend to define me. I just need me. Others’ definitions do help to create me, but they do not define me. I am who I want to be. Everything is my own perception. I need to stop being so paranoid about everything. People notice me a lot less than I think, which also scares me because being the narcissist that I am, I love being noticed for the positive. I also need to realize that I can’t always get what I want. The Rolling Stones got it right. Life doesn’t always turn out how you plan, but I’ve realized that I need to just roll with the punches. There is no right path, because if there is I’m definitely on another fucking path than the one the media and our culture portray. I cannot become too jaded and miss an opportunity when it pops up. I need to just worry less about this. Of course worry is such an integral part of me. Before senior high it was about all I was missing out on and really trivial issues and loneliness. Now the issues are different but still derive from the same sense of insecurity and lack of satisfaction. While I’m still trying to figure what will help to fill the void in my soul, I’m going to relax more and do things that bring me pleasure while making sure I become a well adjusted adult. Patience…that’s all I need. Love will happen when it does. I can’t mistake lust or desire for love. You can’t force it or act like it’s an accessory. I’ll just have to wait and instead focus on what I have: good friends, fun adventures, opportunities in the greatest city, a perfect education, and a loving family. I’ll enjoy myself in the meantime without getting confused.

first visit in 2013 @ Lippomall Kemang

follow my instagram : @nikroez

                                                                                           

@ Fish &Co. , Emporium Pluit (Jan, 2nd, 2013)

@Secret Garden, Emporium Pluit ( Jan, 2nd, 2013)