(with or) without you

then

You asked me if I have ever been in love that night. I said yes, but you know what, I don’t think I ever have. Looking back at my past relationships there was no one quite like you. Have I ever been in love? My answer now? No, I have never been in love, but I have definitely never felt this for anyone else.

I never had an issue with you coming and going in and out of my life, I actually enjoyed it... until that night. I allowed you into my heart and I know that you allowed me into yours to but you have ignored me ever since. I can’t seem to get you off of my mind. You always put up such a good front with me and I finally saw the raw you, and that raw piece of you is the one that has my heart. I haven’t spoken to anyone about that night because I don’t even know where to begin. All I know is I’m getting tired of your games, I’m tired of you showing me the deepest part of you and then ignoring my every attempt to talk to you.

They say if you love something, let it go… if it comes back to you, then its yours to keep forever. Well J, this is me letting you go, now the rest? Well that’s up to you to decide, but just know, I won’t wait for you forever.

head above water

Did you ever picture life like this


No shooting star to grant your wish
Are you everything you hoped you'd be
Or caught somewhere in between
You dropped your nickel down a wishing well
And prayed for luck to cast its spell
To bring you closer to your dreams
That always seem just out of reach
You pray to God the moment when
You feel the current pull you in

Try to keep your head above water
Has never been harder
Even when it feels hopeless
You're gonna get through this
Head above water, gotta fight from going under
Even when it feels useless to wish
You're gonna get through this

Have you ever felt like giving in
Tried for hours but just can't win
Tell yourself you're not good enough
The struggle alone is just too much
No one's there to hear you scream
You gasp for air but cannot breathe
Did you ever think you'd see the day
When you'd watch your life get washed away

Well, I did

imperfect.inevitably

T'was nice to have you over for a bit. Just playing around at the playground and walking around the estate, almost as close as lovers go. All that playful talk and doublespeak, the coy holding of hands and the bloopers that never seem to escape us. I like spending time with you, I do.

And when we couldn't continue avoiding the phone calls that chased us away I bent down and planted a kiss, the words inadvertently slipped out and I let slide an admission of my feelings. So I try to cover it up with feigned nonchalance and rehearsed finesse, but I do believe I meant it. I did.

I know you can never see yourself going the distance with me, and should we even try I know we'll be faced by far too many challenges you would want to have on your plate. To begin with... We aren't even supposed to be emotionally or physically available for each other. I must admit when we first started talking I took it lightly, say, like someone to fill in the times for when she is gone, but as we moved along I found myself getting more and more attached to you. That said, I've been trying hard to pull back and head back into where I'm supposed to be, but her nonchalance and mistreatment, coupled with how you say the most tender things sometimes, I find myself faltering out of track.

Perhaps what I need now is to eradicate myself of the alliances that I know are bad for me. But who defines good and bad? What if... The person that drives you so deliriously ecstatic is the same one that causes you to feel so inadequate and upset all the time?

And here's where I become a confused emotional wreck. I will not allow myself to go back to where I was at the beginning of the relationship. And I cannot bring myself to love her wholeheartedly and willingly, and fall back on her with no reservations any longer. I am tired, and I am spent. I've spent too many days waiting on her and too many nights crying myself to sleep. It hurts to know that I'm never factored into her plans, that she could if she tried but she doesn't, but what can I do or say?

Festivities are supposed to be happy moments but lately they've turned out to be the loneliest and saddest times of my life. But what do I know? And how can I change things?

I won't lie. I enjoy the attention I get from the girls around me, the things they do and the lengths they would go. But of course, if I could, I would love to stay faithful and stop cheating. Be the man I was. So in love with her, and just her. she was my kind of perfect, my kind of everything. I loved her as fiercely and as charmingly as I could. Protected her and rooted for her. I would love to be that man again. But how? How?

And how? When I find myself getting more and more attached to you with every touch?

It's a Catch-22. I don't know what to do.

before it's too late

Love is not just wanting to be with another person or wanting that person's absolute happiness. Real love is waiting, serving that person, and always trying to uplift them and let them know that you would do anything for them. Love is selfless, not selfish. It is letting both people choose for themselves because love is not controlling. It is a kind of freedom that let's a person be their true self and know that they are accepted for who they are and that they never have to change. Love like ours can be seen in a kiss, because every kiss is as if it was our first kiss and our last. I won't pretend that being a world away has been anything but easy, because I never expected something this wonderful would come at a cheap price. I miss her touch, her breath on my skin, and the list goes on and on. I love her. Time keeps turning and I will be there soon but I can be patient even when I am still a world apart.

exam

H - 1

national    exam

away from blogging

me.myself.I

I feel like my blog too often expresses the love for another individual and I think that loving someone else is a necessity in life. I think that we need to love ourselves before we can even consider to love anything or anyone else in our lives. 

This maybe coming out as a reaction and revolution of the current events that have just taken place in my life but now I know for certain that I can't do anything in my life unless I have the power to love who i am. 

All life long we are told that we have to follow a specific line of events, like college then intern then job then married then babies then old then die. I don't want to fall into this layout that society has planned out for me. I wanna lust after life with a courageous soul and adventurous heart. I want to run after the sunrise in the Grand Canyon and I wanna climb the Eiffel Tower. 

Well, this could be why I just left my girlfriend for two years, some of my amazing friends, and (soon) my internship. It's true that they were great opportunities but they blinded me from who i wanted to be as an individual. 

Individual. ahhh I love the sound of that word. I'm going to embrace being me and love every single second of it. I'm going to love my emotional state of mind, my soccer thighs and inability to do cartwheels. I'm gonna soak up every little inch of myself and love it... and appreciate who I am.

hmm, too often we all get caught up in the day to day to do lists in our lives, but today let's take a step back and say " I'M GOING TO EAT THIS HAMBURGER AND NOT FEEL FAT!" and just enjoy the life that we are all so blessed to have. 

C'est La vie my friends. 
have a nice the day :)

lemme tell ya

                                        

                                            You have no idea...

                                            of what I feel about you

                                            of how much I care about you

                                            of how much you make me happy and sad at the same time

                                            of how much you make me feel so alive

                                            of the butterfly riot that takes place in my stomach when you talk to me

No, you have no idea

this time

I've just watched a relationship that I truly believed was so caring and resilient, crumble in front of my eyes. There was nothing I could do to change the way she felt, I couldn't change the choice she made. I gave it all I could, but this time it wasn't enough. It was just over, just like that. Yet knowing these blunt facts, I’m still haunted by the ‘what if’s?’ that expand my doubts. 

Learning to block out these dangerously over-whelming thoughts and replace them with the acceptance that I’m never getting back what I had, hasn't exactly been the healthiest or easiest journey. Nor has it helped lessened how absolutely drained and heart broken I am after this.

Good people leave, it happens. I’m learning that It’s not to make us weak but to instead strengthen us. These people walk out on us to allow better people to take their place. To fill in all the gaps the previous person wasn't able to fill.

I don’t know how long it’ll take or how many hit and misses I’ll experience before this better person makes herself apparent, but I do know that when she does I’ll be happy that I made the choice to endure this pain they call ‘moving on’ rather than holding onto the fake hope you led me to believe that maybe one day we’ll pick up where we left off. 

February 2012 I had my first thoughts. 
March 2013    I know how right I was.

This was , too good to be true.

And I’m glad.

okay

okay, so I really really need time to take care of this little blog. hahaha

since I busy with task, project, and exam, I think I can't put my hands in the keyboard to write something here. well, I still write here but not now until 20 April I guess.

you can see my quick update on my Path, Instagram, and of course, Twitter! so, see ya!

"I guess we are not perfect individually.

But then again. these imperfections are

me and you. I love that. and I love You."

refrain

If you could go back in time and take back everything you said, would you? Would you refrain from our first words? Would you take back our first I love you? Would you take back all of the compliments? Would you ignore me when I pleaded for your help? Would you take back the memories? Most importantly, would you take back goodbye?

Frustrated because I can't tell if it's real. Mad because I don't know how you feel. Upset because we can't make it right. Sad because I ned you day and night. Angry because you won't take my hand. Aggravated because you don't understand. Disappointed because we can't be together, but I'll still love you forever. Did you ever fall in love with someone, and knew they didn't care? Did you ever feel like crying, but knew it wouldn't get you anywhere? Did you ever look into their eyes and say a little prayer? Did you ever look into their heart and find that you weren't there? You'll cry out in misery and almost go insane cause there's nothing in this world that causes so much pain. If I could choose between love and death I'd rather die. Love is great, but it hurts so much, the rate we pay is so high. So when I say "don't fall in love, you'll be hurt before it's through" believe me, I should know, I fell in love with you.

i'm dreaming

HEY!

hey! I'm gonna post again ... but ... wait a minute...

wait for me and stay tune!

but I do....

I’ve decided I’m going to concentrate on myself. What I want, what I need, what I feel. I need to figure out my own direction in life, my real interests, and what makes me happy. I can’t live off what I think I need, especially if I’m going to look for it from other people. I need a sense of my own self-satisfaction. I need confidence in myself. I like art, I like music, and I like literature. There are no rules, only what I feel. I’m not going to freak out over friends or girl, not worry every second about not having one, nor am I going to read in to everything they say or do. I do not need a girlfriend to define me. I just need me. Others’ definitions do help to create me, but they do not define me. I am who I want to be. Everything is my own perception. I need to stop being so paranoid about everything. People notice me a lot less than I think, which also scares me because being the narcissist that I am, I love being noticed for the positive. I also need to realize that I can’t always get what I want. The Rolling Stones got it right. Life doesn’t always turn out how you plan, but I’ve realized that I need to just roll with the punches. There is no right path, because if there is I’m definitely on another fucking path than the one the media and our culture portray. I cannot become too jaded and miss an opportunity when it pops up. I need to just worry less about this. Of course worry is such an integral part of me. Before senior high it was about all I was missing out on and really trivial issues and loneliness. Now the issues are different but still derive from the same sense of insecurity and lack of satisfaction. While I’m still trying to figure what will help to fill the void in my soul, I’m going to relax more and do things that bring me pleasure while making sure I become a well adjusted adult. Patience…that’s all I need. Love will happen when it does. I can’t mistake lust or desire for love. You can’t force it or act like it’s an accessory. I’ll just have to wait and instead focus on what I have: good friends, fun adventures, opportunities in the greatest city, a perfect education, and a loving family. I’ll enjoy myself in the meantime without getting confused.

first visit in 2013 @ Lippomall Kemang

follow my instagram : @nikroez

                                                                                           

@ Fish &Co. , Emporium Pluit (Jan, 2nd, 2013)

@Secret Garden, Emporium Pluit ( Jan, 2nd, 2013)