hope

Am I a horrible person?

I was happy with our relationship before because I knew you liked me more than I liked you. I had the power. I was grateful for the fact that if you changed your mind and wanted to back out, I would not be crushed like I have been in the past. I knew that I could be adored by you without even having to try. I liked you because of the attention you gave me, and the lack of effort I had to make. It was so easy. 

But petty weeks turned into great months and I found that I have fallen for you. I love your crazy hair. I love your effortless optimism. I love how you are so self-assured, but also the least cocky person I know. I love that you trust me with your heart, even though it has been tossed aside in the past. I wish it was still so easy. 

I pray to god that you are a better person than I am. I hope that you don't realize that I relinquished all my power to you. You now have that sovereignty that I was so fond of. You have the potential to break me, and I have never been so fucking terrified. I have been broken before so please please please be more responsible and kind with my heart than I was with yours. 

It doesn't have to be this power struggle. I know you trusted me, even when you shouldn't have. I hope I can trust you, even though I know I already should.

you + me = perfect

I just realised, how small I feel when you aren't with me. How scared I am of everything, when I can't be with you, or when you turn away. How everything in my life means nothing at all anymore, when I can't share it with you. How alone I feel when you aren't here to understand my ways. How incomplete I am without you.. Everything is half. Or nothing. It's like a big gap has been punched through my heart. A part is missing. You took it with you, the biggest part of my heart, and therefore because it's with you, I can not share it with anyone else anymore. It will always be with you. Nothing compares to you. Once you've had a taste of perfection. And you aren't even actually perfect. You have imperfections. But dear God, how I love all of them.

You are perfect to me. For me. With me. For I am not perfect either. I am still trying to not mess up. And to be as good as I can for you. Because even though when I was with you, it felt like I could never be with anyone else like I am with you, it still felt like I couldn't deserve you. In a good way. You are way up there for me. And I'm always trying to reach. To touch it. I don't just love you. I'm with you. Everything in me is you. Every memory I have. I don't know how to love without you. I don't know if I want to. Everything is gone. I wish I could say that I'm better off, but it feels like I won't ever meet anyone like you ever again. It feels like I won't ever love again like I did with you. Passionately. I didn't know I could feel this empty. But in a way it's addictive, because it makes me feel that what we had is... was real. That it wasn't just something. The memories are a drug to me and kill me.

I'm not a perfect person, there's so many things I wish I didn't do. I've found a reason for me to change who I used to be. A reason to start over new. haha. and you know what? the reason is you! 

Maybe I can't be the one that you want. but I keep trying my best. to. be. with. you. I know I'm far from your expectation. haa maybe I put my hopes too high. This lately I'm losing you . Where are you, girl ? i miss your crazy words and terrible story in stupid chat with you.

Back, please.

XOXO

holy-die

ho ho ho ho holiday aya ya ya aiya iya aiya iya #eh

nah, holiday is coming to town everybodeeeeeeeee! but have no idea where to go or what to do

mom and dad get fight yesterday until today . today is their sweet 18 anniversary but whyyyy oh whyy . c'mon fight on your anniversarry day ?!

anw, i'm reading Catching Fire, 2nd book of Hunger Games, so far so good, still continue-ing .
well, bye, wanna continue-ing again this "fire" book.

XOXO

Tera-ers

hihihi tera-ers celebrating icha and kabe's birthday!
Actually a little too late for surprising Icha ... but nevermind......nevermind i'll find someone like youuuuuuuuuuuu #eh
So, we told to Icha that we wanted to make a surprise for Kabe, but, we told Kabe that we wanted to make a surprise for Icha .. HA! William and I had so much fun bcause the plan went smoothly..

hehe afraid of smthng ? or lookin' for smthng ?

what r u lookin for cha ? lol

cha, i've told you, there's nothing there

Throw it to Icha!

auch!

auch!

Ups! Kabe time!

*rotate*

kabe with his cake

forgot to uploading Icha's cake ... later lah .. or check my instagram! @nikroez

PS: TODAY IS MY DAD'S BIRTHDAY!!!!

chocodevil  :9

Daddy!

blow ur candle dad!

today we had so much fun surprising him with surprise (?) 

okay, 0: 20 am

time to sleep, Good Night and Good Morning!

XOXO

if i could......

I think the reason I can’t handle this is because I have so many regrets. If I could go back and do things over, I would change everything. From the start, I would tell you how much you meant to me. I would be honest. I’d tell you about how much I liked your hair and your funny, awkward little laugh and your silver-capped teeth and your wrinkly hands and the way you’d look at me so seriously, through your lashes, and make my stomach flip flop.

If I could do it over, I’d realized how much you appreciated me. How you truly cared about me, not just FOR me, but ABOUT me. You cared what I had to say. You cared if I was sad or a little lost.

I’m so sorry for everything.

-N to N-

XOXO

where have you been?!

missyousodamnmuchgirl

what happen ? you've been acting strange lately. this is not you . please don't change . 

am I doing something wrong ? it's like, you stay away from me. real different from 2-3 months ago ... 

I just want you close to me, where you can stay forever.

well, i don't know you'll read this or not, but please don't give me fake signal!

hey you! yes you!

From the first day I met you I was hooked.. there was no going back. That one "bump" changed my life. 

You always ask if I knew what I was getting myself into would I have stayed? The answer is: Yes, yes a million times. I loved you for who you are and nothing could of changed that. Distance and time, they don't matter. You've loved and accepted me for exactly who I am, you put up with my every flaw, each day I fall more and more in love with you. As you go and chase your dreams you will always have my heart. We're the dynamic duo. I am so proud of you. I love you bigger than the sky.

To everyone else: If you love her, don't let her go. Time is precious. and you know what? maybe she love you, it's okay, it's her right to love anybody. Let the little things go and enjoy the time you have. If she makes you feel loved each and everyday, if you can be yourself when you're with her, if she can make you laugh, if she is your best friend. Don't give up, in the end it's worth it all. Believe.