(with or) without you

then

You asked me if I have ever been in love that night. I said yes, but you know what, I don’t think I ever have. Looking back at my past relationships there was no one quite like you. Have I ever been in love? My answer now? No, I have never been in love, but I have definitely never felt this for anyone else.

I never had an issue with you coming and going in and out of my life, I actually enjoyed it... until that night. I allowed you into my heart and I know that you allowed me into yours to but you have ignored me ever since. I can’t seem to get you off of my mind. You always put up such a good front with me and I finally saw the raw you, and that raw piece of you is the one that has my heart. I haven’t spoken to anyone about that night because I don’t even know where to begin. All I know is I’m getting tired of your games, I’m tired of you showing me the deepest part of you and then ignoring my every attempt to talk to you.

They say if you love something, let it go… if it comes back to you, then its yours to keep forever. Well J, this is me letting you go, now the rest? Well that’s up to you to decide, but just know, I won’t wait for you forever.

head above water

Did you ever picture life like this


No shooting star to grant your wish
Are you everything you hoped you'd be
Or caught somewhere in between
You dropped your nickel down a wishing well
And prayed for luck to cast its spell
To bring you closer to your dreams
That always seem just out of reach
You pray to God the moment when
You feel the current pull you in

Try to keep your head above water
Has never been harder
Even when it feels hopeless
You're gonna get through this
Head above water, gotta fight from going under
Even when it feels useless to wish
You're gonna get through this

Have you ever felt like giving in
Tried for hours but just can't win
Tell yourself you're not good enough
The struggle alone is just too much
No one's there to hear you scream
You gasp for air but cannot breathe
Did you ever think you'd see the day
When you'd watch your life get washed away

Well, I did

imperfect.inevitably

T'was nice to have you over for a bit. Just playing around at the playground and walking around the estate, almost as close as lovers go. All that playful talk and doublespeak, the coy holding of hands and the bloopers that never seem to escape us. I like spending time with you, I do.

And when we couldn't continue avoiding the phone calls that chased us away I bent down and planted a kiss, the words inadvertently slipped out and I let slide an admission of my feelings. So I try to cover it up with feigned nonchalance and rehearsed finesse, but I do believe I meant it. I did.

I know you can never see yourself going the distance with me, and should we even try I know we'll be faced by far too many challenges you would want to have on your plate. To begin with... We aren't even supposed to be emotionally or physically available for each other. I must admit when we first started talking I took it lightly, say, like someone to fill in the times for when she is gone, but as we moved along I found myself getting more and more attached to you. That said, I've been trying hard to pull back and head back into where I'm supposed to be, but her nonchalance and mistreatment, coupled with how you say the most tender things sometimes, I find myself faltering out of track.

Perhaps what I need now is to eradicate myself of the alliances that I know are bad for me. But who defines good and bad? What if... The person that drives you so deliriously ecstatic is the same one that causes you to feel so inadequate and upset all the time?

And here's where I become a confused emotional wreck. I will not allow myself to go back to where I was at the beginning of the relationship. And I cannot bring myself to love her wholeheartedly and willingly, and fall back on her with no reservations any longer. I am tired, and I am spent. I've spent too many days waiting on her and too many nights crying myself to sleep. It hurts to know that I'm never factored into her plans, that she could if she tried but she doesn't, but what can I do or say?

Festivities are supposed to be happy moments but lately they've turned out to be the loneliest and saddest times of my life. But what do I know? And how can I change things?

I won't lie. I enjoy the attention I get from the girls around me, the things they do and the lengths they would go. But of course, if I could, I would love to stay faithful and stop cheating. Be the man I was. So in love with her, and just her. she was my kind of perfect, my kind of everything. I loved her as fiercely and as charmingly as I could. Protected her and rooted for her. I would love to be that man again. But how? How?

And how? When I find myself getting more and more attached to you with every touch?

It's a Catch-22. I don't know what to do.

before it's too late

Love is not just wanting to be with another person or wanting that person's absolute happiness. Real love is waiting, serving that person, and always trying to uplift them and let them know that you would do anything for them. Love is selfless, not selfish. It is letting both people choose for themselves because love is not controlling. It is a kind of freedom that let's a person be their true self and know that they are accepted for who they are and that they never have to change. Love like ours can be seen in a kiss, because every kiss is as if it was our first kiss and our last. I won't pretend that being a world away has been anything but easy, because I never expected something this wonderful would come at a cheap price. I miss her touch, her breath on my skin, and the list goes on and on. I love her. Time keeps turning and I will be there soon but I can be patient even when I am still a world apart.

exam

H - 1

national    exam

away from blogging